Reflection

I am in my third week of classes and have just realized that by signing up for this program I am avoiding or delaying having a relationship. I signed up with match.com with some friends, but while one friend has found her true love, I have yet to go out with anyone. I am afraid. Why? I am reasonably attractive, intelligent, educated, nice, self-supporting, etc. I have gotten lots of responses, and have corresponded with some of the men, but there is no one who really interests me. I would rather be reading books about theories of education instead of going out with someone. I would rather be spending my three-day Labor Day weekend reading and writing about diversity in higher education instead of having coffee or dinner or going to a museum with someone who seems very interested in me.

This concerns me. What am I avoiding? Do I really like learning that much? Well, yes, I do. I love being in the world of ideas. I am thinking of switching over to the Ph.D. program so that I can totally immerse myself in theory and research. But back to what I am avoiding. I think I have a fear of being controlled again. I have worked so hard to get where I am today (emotionally, psychologically, but definitely NOT financially!), that I am reluctant to let it go. I am reluctant to share my bed and my life with anyone. At this point in my life, I don't have to think of anyone but myself. My children are grown and pretty much on their own. I just don't see myself having to ask my husband or boyfriend for permission or having to take their feelings or schedule into consideration when planning something I want to do. I like my life as it is just fine. So what is the problem? I think I am afraid of having real emotional intimacy with someone. I don't think I can give up who I am. To be continued.....