Note to readers: the knitting part of this entry starts a few paragraphs down.
This afternoon I spent an hour reading knitting blogs and one blog referenced this website: http://www.sfgate.com/alicia/ , about a young woman's experiences and emotions as she fights her second battle against cancer. I cried and I cried, because I could relate to the fear and confusion upon learning one has cancer, and later in her series of articles, when she relates the love and longing she has for her mother, who also died of cancer. After my second chemo, I had what I would call an emotional breakdown. I spent the five days that the poisons coursed through my body crying and wanting my mother,unable to move and so very nauseous. But the nausea was nothing compared to my wanting to be held by my mother, who had passed away 5 years before. My children were away at college and I was all alone during my chemotherapy. When you are sick, you want to be held by someone you love, and someone that loves you back! Whether they want to or not! I wanted so much to be enveloped in my mother's arms, and I am sure I talked to her as I went back and forth between sleeping and trying to sleep. In my heart, I truly believe that my mother was there in spirit, watching over me, worrying about me, loving me as only a mother could.
My ex-husband was kind enough to fly our children in, one at a time, every other weekend, just so that they could see me, see for themselves that I was still alive and that I was going to make it. I loved seeing them, but really, there was not much they could do to help me, other than to hold me and to tell me how their lives were going. Which was a lot. But still, I had to still be the mother and care about them and their lives and solve their problems while lying in bed, when at that point all I really wanted was to be the child. I wanted to be held and comforted.
My cancer support group helped a lot. After my second chemo, after I suffered so much more from the longing for my mother, I went to the support group and my friends there--after hearing of my distress--all gathered around me to give me the hugs and love that I had been wanting. It was wonderful.
And so, because of this experience, I have so much more empathy for those who are sick and sickly. I am more tactile now, and I am not really a touchy feely person with strangers. But, if they are sick and if their eyes tell me that it would be okay, I give them a hug, a pat on the back or on their hand. Sometimes when we are sick, we isolate ourselves, the better to deal with our sickness in our minds, when all we really want/need is to be with others and to have others understand our pain or suffering and to assure us that we are still part of life, that we are still alive. Another person's touch can do so much to alleviate our suffering.
Now for the knitting: well, I finished the bands of the brown shell, but realize that it is a little too short, so I will have to add an inch or two more to the bottom and finish the hem. I cut off all the little strings hanging from the jacket and the skirt. I had a photo shoot (I love that phrase.....it makes me feel like a model) for the cancer suppport group calendar last Saturday. I brought my knitting machine, my two mannequins, and lots of stuff I had knitted (all of which, by the way, were unfinished!) to the photographer's house and we took pictures for an hour and a half. I can't wait to see some of the shots, which of course I will post here. I goofed big time in that I got a haircut on Thursday, and of course my hair was too short. Since I also had my hair colored on Thursday, it was looking and feeling a little dry, so I deep-conditioned it with coconut oil. I forgot that after you deep condition with this oil, you can't just rinse it out, you have to shampoo the oil out. So of course, my hair looked totally greasy at the photo shoot. Oh well...live and learn....at least my makeup looked good! (and so did my knitting!). I wore my brown suit jacket and skirt, and also a red top I had knit 2 or 3 years ago. The photographer promised that he would send me some pictures.
This afternoon I spent an hour reading knitting blogs and one blog referenced this website: http://www.sfgate.com/alicia/ , about a young woman's experiences and emotions as she fights her second battle against cancer. I cried and I cried, because I could relate to the fear and confusion upon learning one has cancer, and later in her series of articles, when she relates the love and longing she has for her mother, who also died of cancer. After my second chemo, I had what I would call an emotional breakdown. I spent the five days that the poisons coursed through my body crying and wanting my mother,unable to move and so very nauseous. But the nausea was nothing compared to my wanting to be held by my mother, who had passed away 5 years before. My children were away at college and I was all alone during my chemotherapy. When you are sick, you want to be held by someone you love, and someone that loves you back! Whether they want to or not! I wanted so much to be enveloped in my mother's arms, and I am sure I talked to her as I went back and forth between sleeping and trying to sleep. In my heart, I truly believe that my mother was there in spirit, watching over me, worrying about me, loving me as only a mother could.
My ex-husband was kind enough to fly our children in, one at a time, every other weekend, just so that they could see me, see for themselves that I was still alive and that I was going to make it. I loved seeing them, but really, there was not much they could do to help me, other than to hold me and to tell me how their lives were going. Which was a lot. But still, I had to still be the mother and care about them and their lives and solve their problems while lying in bed, when at that point all I really wanted was to be the child. I wanted to be held and comforted.
My cancer support group helped a lot. After my second chemo, after I suffered so much more from the longing for my mother, I went to the support group and my friends there--after hearing of my distress--all gathered around me to give me the hugs and love that I had been wanting. It was wonderful.
And so, because of this experience, I have so much more empathy for those who are sick and sickly. I am more tactile now, and I am not really a touchy feely person with strangers. But, if they are sick and if their eyes tell me that it would be okay, I give them a hug, a pat on the back or on their hand. Sometimes when we are sick, we isolate ourselves, the better to deal with our sickness in our minds, when all we really want/need is to be with others and to have others understand our pain or suffering and to assure us that we are still part of life, that we are still alive. Another person's touch can do so much to alleviate our suffering.
Now for the knitting: well, I finished the bands of the brown shell, but realize that it is a little too short, so I will have to add an inch or two more to the bottom and finish the hem. I cut off all the little strings hanging from the jacket and the skirt. I had a photo shoot (I love that phrase.....it makes me feel like a model) for the cancer suppport group calendar last Saturday. I brought my knitting machine, my two mannequins, and lots of stuff I had knitted (all of which, by the way, were unfinished!) to the photographer's house and we took pictures for an hour and a half. I can't wait to see some of the shots, which of course I will post here. I goofed big time in that I got a haircut on Thursday, and of course my hair was too short. Since I also had my hair colored on Thursday, it was looking and feeling a little dry, so I deep-conditioned it with coconut oil. I forgot that after you deep condition with this oil, you can't just rinse it out, you have to shampoo the oil out. So of course, my hair looked totally greasy at the photo shoot. Oh well...live and learn....at least my makeup looked good! (and so did my knitting!). I wore my brown suit jacket and skirt, and also a red top I had knit 2 or 3 years ago. The photographer promised that he would send me some pictures.
posted by knutty4knitting @ 4:45 PM
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